I am now on vacation. A lovely word for "fuckitall." 'Tis only 7:39, but am on my 3rd glass of wine. No alcohol for weeks, I will overdose tonight. Binge drinking, thy name is Hazelnut.
I realized something sad and sorry about myself yesterday. I deeply abhor being laughed at.
That is the childhood version of it. If you are laughed at, you are different. People think you are silly, sad, a mockery. I witnessed that at an early age, and I remember thinking I don't want that to be me.
The antidote for not being laughed at: having all the answers. All the reading I ever did, all the information-absorbing I ever did, all the observing, data collecting, mental acrobatics I did...it essentially was to avoid not being laughed at.
However, I did it selectively. In realms where I had no talent/expertise/capacity, I wholeheartedly chucked it out as having "no effing clue." Science, math, physics, politics, baseball scores, etc....didn't know, didn't care. But when it was English grammar, parts of speech, languages, history, literature, entertainment, human behavior, etc...I hoped I would have the right answer if I was ever asked.
Yesterday I was subjected to last minute requests (a/k/a "demands") by faculty members who had not planned ahead, and I was unable to help them. I take retroactive solace in this conclusion, but at the time, I felt like the world's biggest ass.
I am the resource for technology needs...and yet...my school does not have the technology the staff needs. No DVD player connected to the school-wide TV system. If we connect an outside player, it overwhelms the system and shorts out the volume due to the age of the system. Three teachers ask for DVD players at 9 a.m. on the day they need them at 1 p.m. Do I have them? No, I don't. Did I refer to them to the policy of asking 72 hours in advance? No, b/c I haven't put the new P&P (Policies and Procedures) into action yet. Did I feel like a nonproductive media specialist? You bet.
I drove across town to pick up a video I needed from another school, alternately swearing at the situation, and castigating myself and the ppl I work with. I am ONE person. You are 25. You need a TV now, and you wait till 3 hours before you use it to ASK me for it? Worse, you ask for it in person...during my duty time...when 6 kidnergarten classes are demanding my attention, and I am trying to produce the morning news show?
I know the motto of Media Specialists is "YES, I CAN", but I vote we create a substitute reading "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"